I apologize ahead of time if this is long winded...just, a lot on my mind that's bugging me.

I forget if I've mentioned at all if I ever mentioned this to you guys...I don't ever remember bringing it up. I have Asperger's Syndrome. If anyone is not familiar with it: http://www.aspergers.com/aspclin.html

I know a lot of the regulars know me just through the forums and facebook...but text on a screen can only convey so much of my personality. Asperger's has always been a personal obstacle for me to overcome. I am knowledgeable, I know in my mind how to do things, but my hands and body just sometimes does not want to cooperate. I really can't explain it sometimes, it's almost like I'm fighting with myself just to do simple tasks, especially when pressured to be quick about things. Even more frustrating is being around people that don't understand why my behavior is the way it is...especially an employer. It's depressing, embarrassing and frustrating trying to explain why I can't remember certain things, why I'm clumsy, why I panic, why I studder, why I get myself worked up and anxious...I get so angry with myself, so...angry. I hate the reflection I see in the mirror sometimes. All my life, I can't fathom how people are so "normal" under the same conditions...

Instead, I just have all my attention focused around things that distract me too much...the internet, cars (ironic with my trade) and video games. I hate how easily distracted I become...my sub conscious constantly thinking about too many thoughts at once, too many irrelevant things. It's like having the TV on, with six channels on at once, and they're constantly changing. If not that, I over analyze things, overthink everything. Work myself up being worried about being fired, not pissing off my boss, making sure I do my tasks/projects fast enough, not screwing up, wondering where the hell are my tools, where did I put this, where did I leave my phone, what did Joe want again? What the hell am I doing? WHY?! I feel trapped and lost in my own scrambled thought processes...

Even more so, my stupid feeling of watching the world go by. An "on the outside, looking in," kind of feeling if you will. For example...the job I have. I feel like I'm not supposed to be there, I'm just supposed to have a job I'm not supposed to be enjoying... but not just with the jobs I've held, but anything and everything I've done. Remember when I posted about going to Pennsylvania for those car shows? There was this nagging voice telling me that I shouldn't be apart of this, or that I should never do it again. The whole ride to and from PA my sub conscious constantly reminding me about how my family is irritated with me about going out of state, being irresponsible, not doing the right thing, not making them happy, GOD DAMMIT. I can't even think about it for too long before I just want to punch a hole in the wall.

I'd get help, but I have no health insurance. Even when I did through Mavis and Sears, nothing covered the special needs I needed. It's just frustrating feeling so helpless, but even worse, your own mind tells you there's nothing you can do about it. Even more, is just dealing with a society that does NOT understand AS, or why people with AS behave the way they do or even want to have a better understanding of the syndrome. My girlfriend Jess also has AS, I feel like it's one of the main reasons why we got so close quickly and related with each other so much. She does take meds, although she has it a lot worse than me. She does have a lot more of a tendency to interrupt people, blurt out thoughts, and be random than myself. But she just loves me, accepts me and appreciates me for who I am, even with my flaws, and I feel the same way about Jess...

Ugh...I do envy all of you in many ways. The simple things you can do and accomplish, don't take it for granted...

Sorry Chris I am not too familiar with Asperger's and wish I could be more helpful. Have you tried talking about work, family and other issues that keep reoccurring in your head with Jess or someone close? Sometimes it's good to just discuss something in a calm manner that will get it off your chest and you won't worry about it or it won't bother you as much.

I know how it is to worry about things, sometimes even things that didn't really amount to anything. I've actually developed some health issues because I got stressed out and worried about small things that really didn't warrant it. I've found music and talking have really helped me get through times that it gets like that.

I am probably not the best at giving advice but I do hope things get better

It's not even so much as telling them...because I have. It's the lack of the understanding of my behavior, and that it's not just stupidity and a lack of common sense.

Dude, Chris, I can relate a little bit. Now, I don't have AS, but when I was younger I was severely allergic to food coloring. Now when I say severely, I mean it did irreversible damage to my brain. I have trouble concentrating, I get angry really fast, It takes me minutes what most people do in seconds. I'm constantly worrying about everything. I forget things, I have moments where I'll do something really stupid. Like "What were you thinking?" moments. I know how it feels to have that sense of constant worry and having your conscious making you over analyze everything.

Wonder why I never get work done on the Phoenix? I constantly worry I'm going to break something and that I can't fix it. I'll go to work on it, come to some impasse and stop. I won't go back for days, even months. Remember those rust holes in the floor? I saw them and started sweating like it was a sunny July afternoon. Thats why I made those threads about it lol. THat is also why I have the "Havoc's Questions" thread. haha

I'm not trying to threadjack, I bet having AS is way more difficult for you, but I'm just saying I can relate.

Thanks man...

I just had a really bad day at work yesterday, Joey Jr asked me one on one about my weird habits, etc. On top of being stressed out from the delivery route from the day (HEAVY traffic on all the highways and parkways I had to take) overheated because of the Chevy Express's lack of A/C, I'm trying to put in words on why it seems like I'm a complete dumbass, when I'm not. Like I said to him, I feel foolish putting the "blame" on my behavior on my AS...but there's no other way to explain it for it to make sense.

Today was better, I'm trying to keep myself in check as well. As childish as it may seem, I'm leaving sticky notes with lists of things I need to remember to do at certain times of the day. Anything I'm told to do that's more than one task, I'm writing it down.

Ugh...it just irks me that I have to explain what AS is to people, where things like Autism and the like are well known to just about to everyone.