I love classic jokes

[Frosty]

That's always been your call !

[Professur]

Ok ... I heard this as a joke. It's not mine. I don't find it particularly funny .... but I share.

What's the best way to get a Jewish girls number?

Roll up her sleeve.

[Frosty]

[Professur]

I offer you my penultimate internet insult ... the necrozoosadist. For everyone that gets off from beating a dead horse.

[Frosty]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was originally manufactured in England.  In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.  This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.  But as we all know, the great ship did not make it to New York.  The ship hit an iceberg and sank.  The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.  Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

 

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as: 

 

Sinko De Mayo

 

 

 

WHAT????  You expected something educational from me - in this thread? Seriously.                                                                      

[Ringo64]

that was great

[notallthere]

http://safeshare.tv/w/HtsNZejCuU

[Professur]

I knew better than to click that.

[notallthere]

But you never learn muhahahahahahahaha

[Ringo64]

I learned, haven't and never will

[Frosty]

But you never learn muhahahahahahahaha

 

Evil typo? 

 

[Frosty]

Cartoon characters can grow old too.

 

 

[Frosty]

Mike stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.
 
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
 
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'
 
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Mike explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
 
His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.

[Ringo64]

[Frosty]

 

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

 

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4..If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

 

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

 

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be forward & let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall 2 years ago.'

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

 

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, always wear socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is inappropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.  

    (GE THIS MEANS YOU !)

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can,it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

2 REASONS WHY IT'S HARD TO SOLVE REDNECK MURDERS:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records

[JUSTA6]

Simply EPIC!

[Professur]

Sorry .. but a funeral procession is the perfect time to lay rubber.

[Frosty]

Sorry .. but a funeral procession is the perfect time to lay rubber.

 

You've been married to GE's family or been around a certain TV host for far too long. It's starting to rub off on you Pro.

[Professur]

Naw .. don't forget I'm half irish. Wakes are part of the package. A nice 1971 Caddy hearse with a blown 455 as your last ride .. tell me you wouldn't want that. 100 mph along the side of Lake Michigan.

[JUSTA6]

Actually our Ol car club, Radical Rides has lost a number of members, we have been a part of the funeral with our rides.  Salute my brothers!

[Frosty]

Naw .. don't forget I'm half irish. Wakes are part of the package. A nice 1971 Caddy hearse with a blown 455 as your last ride .. tell me you wouldn't want that. 100 mph along the side of Lake Michigan.

 

Here's to your Irish side Pro.  Yes, laying rubber in the Caddy Hearse would bring a smile to my dead ass face. It just isn't Emily Post.

 

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vz9nHvmdAb4

[Frosty]

 

Especially when GE is welding too close to his 'puter.

[Professur]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the
minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister..."My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

[notallthere]

So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge builder"? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me "McGregor the pier builder"? No!"

The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says:

"but you FORD one sheep..."

[Ringo64]