I love classic jokes

[Frosty]

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'.

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another cold beer, and then maybe a nap in the hammock.

[Frosty]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said

“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[Frosty]

Rick and his wife, Angie Marie, were driving home one very cold night when Angie Marie asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to Rick, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

Rick says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene.

[Frosty]

I found a magic lantern in the sand and upon rubbing it a genie popped out. She said she could only grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

[Guitarsextreme]

I went squirrel huntin' one day

I had my ole squirrel rifle

And making my way thru a holler

It was a sunny day hotter than all get out it was so hot the dang the wind was hot

So, as I was a walking a long looking thru the holler and hills looking for squirrels

It was so dang hot water was pourin down my face.

I saw this here creek up a head so I layed my rifle by a tree and went on up to the creek

when I got to the creek I bent over splashing water in my face and drinking cool mountain water

then I said shoot it's hot out so, I took my boots off

slapped my feets in the cool water oh that felt good

so, I bent over splashing my face with water since it was a dang awful hot day

as I was bent over drinkin and splashin water I felt this hot air on the back of my neck

didn't pay much attention to it since it was a hot day even the wind was hot

so I just went back drinkin and a splashin water and rubbin my feets

my neck got so dang hot that water was pourin off the back of my neck

and when I went to whip my neck off I heard this growl

I turned around and it was a 10 foot black bare getting ready to get my butt

so it took off bogtey bogtey to the closest tree that I could find

which was 400 yards away

that bare was about 15 feet behind me just a growling and reaching tryin to get me the whole way

I go to the tree I look back and the bare then looked back at the tree

the closest branch was 300 ft up I looked back at the bare and he was 6 ft from me

looked up at the branch and looked back at the bare

so I squatted and I jumped

you know I missed that branch

but I dang sore caught it on the was back down

[Frosty]

HEREIN IS THE ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION

Guts or Balls

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

[notallthere]

A truck driver goes to hell and Satan comes up to him and says, "Hey, welcome to Hell! Let me show you around - now just to let you know we have a very strict schedule around here and I'm going to explain it to you. It's really not so bad down here, all the burning in hellfire stuff is just propaganda. Each day is devoted to indulging in various decadent activities. Let me ask you, in life, were you a drinking man?"

The guy says, "Well yes, in fact I drank nearly every day until the day I died."

Satan says, "Good! You're gonna like Mondays. On Monday, all we do is sit around and drink alcohol, all day. We have every kind of hard alcohol imaginable, hundreds of Whiskeys, Vodkas, Rums, Scotches, Tequila, mixed drinks, wines, craft beers, even crappy cheap alcohol. We drink all day - the best part is, no hangover! You never get sick from drinking too much in Hell, it's great."

The guy is starting to think that Hell is not so bad. Satan says, "So, were you a smoking man in life?"

"Sure was, I pretty much smoked until the day I died"

"Good. You'll like Tuesdays, on Tuesday all we do is sit around and smoke. Cigarettes and cigars of every kind, we smoke hookah, we smoke whatever, all day long and the best part is you can never smoke too much in Hell, you don't get cancer and you don't get sick."

Satan asks again, "So, did you use drugs while you were alive?" The guy says, "Actually, I used drugs almost every day." Satan goes on again, "Well you're in luck, you will love Wednesdays, because on Wednesday we do drugs all day. In Hell, we have every drug imaginable -uppers, downers, hallucinogens, and only the highest quality, and we sit around and do lots of drugs all day! Best part is, no overdose and no addiction in Hell."

By this point, the guy is starting to think that Hell sounds like a place he could get used to. Then Satan asks him, in a quieter voice, "By chance, in life were you a homosexual?"

The guys responds "No way, never, I'm as straight as it gets"

Satan grimaces and tells him "Sorry, I don't think you're gonna like Thursdays very much."

[Frosty]

So what happens after no-KY Thursdays? We still have Friday-Saturday-Sunday to go!!!!

[Frosty]

It's "Drive Your Coffin to Work" Day !!!!

[notallthere]

ow did we survive!!!


If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we
have...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a
special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We
had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets.

When we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking
to town as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us
all day. Our parents knew that all the neighbors would watch out for
all the kids. No cell phones. Unthinkable.

We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits
from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but
us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and
learned to get over it.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were
never overweight... we were always outside playing. We shared one
grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from
this.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at
all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal
cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had
friends. We went outside and found them.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or
rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a
thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold
cruel world! Without a guardian.

How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and
although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many
eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment.... The teams
actually kept score and the winning team was allowed to be excited and
the losing team learned to be good sports about it and learned that,
in life - sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and
were held back to repeat the same grade..... Horrors. Tests were not
adjusted for any reason.

Almost no one went to "pre-school" and when we graduated high school
we all knew how to read, use proper grammar and do basic math. We all
learned how to count out change without a calculator to tell us the
amount.

The worst problems in school were tardiness and chewing gum in class.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide
behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law ... imagine that!

If you misbehaved - your parents spanked you and no one arrested them
for doing that! We also learned that when a parent said "No" - they
actually meant that and our lives would not be ruined forever by being
denied every little thing we wanted at any given moment.

New toys were received on birthdays and holidays..... not on every
trip to the store. Parents gave us gifts out of love.... not out of
guilt.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them.

Congratulations!

[Frosty]

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

I get home ... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation.

I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your e-mail!"

[Frosty]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits

down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by Identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the F*ck do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Air Canada!"

[Frosty]

A recent article in a West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs.Maynard, has sued a Perth hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

Now you have an idea what its like to get a special picture text message from notallthere too!!!!

[Ringo64]

Oh... gawd. Why did I click here

[Frosty]

Yup....why is it that all the Canuckistanies I know send me this sort of jokes? I'd love to blame notallthere or Pro for this, but this came from DualQuadPete in North Toronto. I swear that living in the Great White North is not right.

[Professur]

Oh .... you really shouldn't have brought me into the conversation.

[Ringo64]

Oh, those Canucks...

[Frosty]

Oh .... you really shouldn't have brought me into the conversation.

Bring it !!!

[Frosty]

Lots of quick one/two line jokes.....ones even GE can understand.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies,f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, Party on!"

I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[Ghost]

Oh... gawd. Why did I click here

WHERES THE DISLIKE BUTTON?!!?

[Frosty]

Ringo needs pay someone to add one !!!!

[Ringo64]

Eh, there already technically is one. I just disabled it

[Professur]

Why do cemeteries have walls?
It's queer without a doubt.
The people outside don't want to get in.
And the people inside surely can't get out.

[Frosty]

Eh, there already technically is one. I just disabled it

I'll bet you wish you hadn't !!!

[Ringo64]

I'll bet you wish you hadn't !!!

More or less. I can still edit your rep