I love classic jokes

[JUSTA6]

Fresh sausage!!!! YUM

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/k1bG2EPGmI0?autoplay=1&vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=82&end=321

[Frosty]

If you are a fan of Bob and Tom show you've heard this before. Double entendre is a staple of the show. This Aussie took this sketch to the next level.

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfzxesxk_Yo

[Frosty]

I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat.

To top it off, it was raining so I couldn’t go for a walk, bike or run.

The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn’t go anywhere in the

car.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

[Ringo64]

[Frosty]

I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat.

To top it off, it was raining so I couldn’t go for a walk, bike or run.

The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn’t go anywhere in the

car.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Even more justification for buying a generator and several large gas cans !!!!

[Frosty]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolize Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

[Frosty]

A Naval Aviator walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"



No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?

What's so special about it?"

The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies,

"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says,

"Darn thing's an hour fast."

And that, my friends.........is Confidence!

GO NAVY !!

[notallthere]

What does a naval aviator uses for birth control?

His personality.

[Frosty]

What does a naval aviator uses for birth control?

His personality.

The backseat of his Camaro?

[Frosty]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good. You are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?" The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning Admiral. Can I get your coffee, sir?

[Frosty]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.

T​​he girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

​

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any pubic hair. I take it you have?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her night dress and showed the girl that she possessed a generously endowed pelt.....very generous indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't."

[Frosty]

Welcome to Canada, eh !

[Frosty]

[Ringo64]

I use algebra almost daily

Calculus too...

Programming you create a lot of formulas based off other people's formulas

[Frosty]

True enough....I was a programmer/DBA in my youth. I don't have to do that anymore.

Like the T.I. at Offutt AFB in Omaha told me decades ago....sympathy is in the dictionary - between sh*t and syphilis.

[Ringo64]

Best joke of the day:

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.

Chuck replied, Well, then just give me my money back.

The farmer said, Cant do that. I went and spent it already.

Chuck said, Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.

The farmer asked, What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, Im going to raffle him off.

The farmer said, You cant raffle off a dead horse!

Chuck said, Sure I can, Watch me. I just wont tell any body hes dead.

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, What happened with that dead horse?

Chuck said, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.

The farmer said, Didnt anyone complain?

Chuck said, Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.

[Frosty]

There was a Minnesota phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

“Oh Yah,” said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"

[notallthere]

Two bulls are at the top of a hill over looking a pasture

Young Bull says 'I am going to run down there and make love to one of those cows'

He promptly takes off down the hill with a head full of steam.

Old Bull says ' I am going to walk down there and make love to all of the cows'

[Frosty]

Strange game at the Air Canada Centre the other night. The Edmonton Oilers and the Toronto Maple Leafs were scheduled to play.

Due to some transportation issues, Edmonton did not show up.

The referee explained that if this is to be an official game he must drop the puck and a goal has to be scored.

The Maple Leafs took to the ice and were credited with a 1-0 win when Phil Kessel scored with 2:10 left in the third period.

[JUSTA6]

Strange game at the Air Canada Centre the other night. The Edmonton Oilers and the Toronto Maple Leafs were scheduled to play.

Due to some transportation issues, Edmonton did not show up.

The referee explained that if this is to be an official game he must drop the puck and a goal has to be scored.

The Maple Leafs took to the ice and were credited with a 1-0 win when Phil Kessel scored with 2:10 left in the third period.

Waaay to go Toronto! Nail biter that it would go to OT and both teams would get a point!

[Frosty]

Waaay to go Toronto! Nail biter that it would go to OT and both teams would get a point!

Yup, Lord Stanley's Cup has a real shot of returning to Toronto this year.

[notallthere]

The only reason Lord Stanley returns to Toronto is because it is stored there at the Hockey Hall of Fame.

[Frosty]

The only reason Lord Stanley returns to Toronto is because it is stored there at the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Yeah, the Hockey Hall of Fame use to be a bank and all the trophies are stored in the vault. I doubt that this is coincidence.

[Frosty]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Frosty]

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Toronto courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.