I love classic jokes

[notallthere]

The Perfect Day For Her 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 2kgs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed – freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents – expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, amusing personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café

12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 17kgs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk – says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers

10:00 Hot shower – alone

10:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

The Perfect Day For Him 6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast – steak and eggs, coffee and toast – all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) – on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over showing her growler, naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news – Justin Bieber assassinated

7:30 Dinner – lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note four times and forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

[indymanjoe]

F**KING Hilarious! Epic!

[JUSTA6]

Perfect......

[Frosty]

All that is missing is during the news it was announced that Rob Ford is been elected Prime Minister!

Fantastic tale or is it tail!

[notallthere]

I really need advice on a problem.
I have been suspecting for a long time that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. The usual signs: the phone rings., if i answer the caller hangs up. She goes out with the girls alot. I try to stay up and look out for her when she comes home but i usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night i hid in the garage behind the c-20. When she came home she got out of someones car buttoning her shirt, then she pulled her panties out of her purse and slipped them on under her dress.
It was at that moment, crouched down behind the c-20 that i noticed a hairline crack in the rear spring hanger.
Can that be welded or do i need to replace the whole bracket ??

[Frosty]

Absolutely it can welded unless the crack is in the turn buckle, but you will need to remove the spring first in order to take the tension off the spring pocket. We can't risk deformation of the part now can we?

While you are out in the garage, grab your welder's mask, make heavy breathing noises like Darth Vader, and go into the house, take off your clothes except the mask, breath some more so your wife can hear, and say "I may be Luke's father - but who's your Daddy now !!!!!".

Or you could forget the whole thing,go grab some Moosehead beer and some Smarties and then weld up the spring bracket GE style and then go to bed.

You're call !!!!

[JUSTA6]

I'd replace BOTH loose parts....but that's JUSTA me.

[havoc1482]

[notallthere]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,

as his wife moved forwards then backwards,

forward then backwards, again and again.

Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,

a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, trickling down the small of her back,

she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed,

she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK, I can't parallel park, you do it, you smug bastard."

[notallthere]

A penguin takes his car to the shop to have it fixed. While he's waiting, he goes into a cool ice cream shop and eats ice cream. Having flippers instead hands, he gets the ice cream all over himself. He's goes back to the auto shop and asks the mechanic what was wrong with his car.

"Well," says the mechanic, "it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replies, "It's just ice cream, I swear!!

[Frosty]

I'll put a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squid's if you don't tell that joke again. Otherwise, you're just being shellfish!

[notallthere]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[Frosty]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

What you didn't say was the farmer was an old Indian chief.

As the tribe's elder, he got to name ever person in the tribe.

He was once asked what his wife's name was.

"I call her Three Horses".

"Why do you call her Three Horses?"

"Because she always nag nag nag!"

[Frosty]

A muscial version of one of my favorite jokes:

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orh0kV31Bi4

[notallthere]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

__________________

[notallthere]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45 with a 7 round magazine plus one in the chamber and yelled, "Who in here has been messing around with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back,

"You need more ammo."





This is just another example of why you need a high-capacity magazine.

[Frosty]

Just goes to show that you don't always need the fastest car to finish first !!!!

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GO5XC3A99_o

[notallthere]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Frosty]

[notallthere]

http://www.amazon.com/Tron-Core-Action-Figure-Clu/dp/B0038OMQMK/ref=sr_1_2?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1417794233&sr=1-2&keywords=tron+clu

I should buy this for a friend who is pissing me off.

[Frosty]

They still would not get the subtlety of it. Better if you put your employee discount to good use by buying a 2 x 4, spray paint and some stenciled letters.

Paint your message in clear letters on the 2 x 4 and then hit them in the forehead with it. Message sent. Message received. Now go Brazilian wax your bikini line - again.

[Frosty]

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body.", said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Mississauga , Ontario , and still wearing all this sh*t?

[Ringo64]

BMW drivers pulls into a gas station and the gas attendant walks out and starts admiring it.

BMW driver starts pumping gas and the attendant says "Howdy"

BMW driver replies "No, it's a BMW"

[Frosty]

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[JUSTA6]

Sittin at a bar with an OL buddy and I pointed out a couple old guys sittin across from us. That's us in 15 years!!!! My buddy said.. that's a mirror idiot. I didn't have my glasses.